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I have written about character strengths and skills like learned optimism, learned hope, and learned gratitude that positively affect our mental health. For this piece, I choose to write about forgiveness. Forgiveness is a decision that one, who is a recipient of a wrong done, choose to forgive someone who has done the wrong. The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as “to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offence or debt.” Although traditionally forgiveness and its benefits have been explored in religions, it has been the subject of studies in social sciences and medicine too. Studies show that it has profound positive effects on the self. Forgiveness is a decision, it is a choice and in fact, it is an act of the will. Deciding to forgive, including forgiving yourself, involves choosing to let go of hurt, anger inside, and at times hostility toward the person you feel has wronged you.
To make clear what I mean by forgiveness, first let’s look at what is not the meaning of forgiveness, comparing it with other commonly related concepts.
To Forgive Does Not Mean to Forget
In fact is not possible to forget your experience, pretend it didn't happen, or bury the memories. I do not remember where I read this example of the weeds in a garden. Burying hurtful memories is like burying weeds in your garden. If you cover the weeds in your garden, they are still there. Real forgiveness is tearing the weeds out by the roots, so the garden will flourish.
Forgiveness does not mean to excuse the person or okay their related behavior. We excuse people when we understand that they are not to blame for the act. In this case there is nothing to forgive. We decide to forgive people when they are responsible for wrongdoing.
Forgiveness does not mean that we accept and tolerate the hurtful behavior. It is not advisable to endure something awful, like a pattern of abusive behavior. The difference between forgiveness and tolerance can be seen in attitude toward crime. We can forgive a crime, but we will destroy ourselves if we tolerate it.
What is Forgiveness?
It is a will, a decision, and a choice. It is a skill we can learn by mustering our strengths. It is a tool we can build for ourselves to use in dealing with the pain in life. It is an act of assertiveness; a conscious assertion of our will to free ourselves of the bondage of anger and hostility. It is a self- care act.
Benefits of Forgiveness
Forgiveness generally brings enormous benefits to the person who does the act of forgiveness. Research shows that if one can reach the decision to forgive, one is likely to enjoy lower stress hormones circulating in the body, lower blood pressure, and a stronger immune system. The individual will experience reduction in anger, bitterness, resentment, and as a result possibly anxiety and depression. Even years after, the memory of the hurtful event can be triggered. When you've forgiven someone, the pain and anger are diminished and it gets to the point that it becomes just a memory of pain which is so much better then re-visiting the cycle of pain, anger, and resentment with the same intensity time after time.
How to Facilitate Forgiveness
Forgiving is difficult and in some situations, much more difficult. In order to facilitate the process of forgiveness, first practice your gratitude, the conscious effort to acknowledge what are goods in your life, focusing your attention on positive things that have happened in your life, and all positives around you. Tell yourself:
“I do not want to continue to be a victim.”
“I want to be free of hurt, anger, and resentment.”
“I want to go on with my life as I planned.”
This way of thinking and attitude facilitates the decision to forgive. The act of your forgiveness brings you closer to that freedom of mind and soul.
I have seen people that when suggesting forgiveness, they can not imagine that they be able to forgive the person who did them wrong. I want you to know that it is okay. Forgiveness is not something you force yourself to do. You may need more time. You may need help going over the hurtful experience and process all your feelings and thoughts to reach the point when you are willing and ready to forgive. It is important that you get through hurtful emotions and achieve a resolution or self release of all negative emotions that are heavy on your heart. This helps you to stop being a victim. I want to mention here self-forgiveness. When you realize that you have made a mistake or out of your anger committed a hurtful act, first you acknowledge your mistakes, accept the responsibility, apologize for it, and right the wrong if possible. Give your self time to process the experience and learn from it. Then, comes a time you need to stop beating on yourself and choose to forgive yourself.
In the marital relationship in which people plan for a long lasting intimate relationship, forgiveness has a special place and importance. Forgiveness does not mean one endures a pattern of abusive behavior of one’s partner. I will discuss forgiveness in marriage in future articles. Please let me know if you have any questions.
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