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The institute of marriage has gone through many changes since the turn of the century. It is different from even thirty years ago. When I was in graduate school almost thirty years ago, we were studying the changes in people thoughts and feelings, expectations and behavior within the institution of marriage. Along with this, the statistic of marriages also has changed tremendously. Even when we look at just the last forty years, we see the trend of the following changes. The number of marriages has declined. People marry at a much later age, and more people co-habit (live together without being legally married). On the other hand, the number of divorces has increased. Also, the number of married couples who rate their marriages happy and satisfied has decreased.
In the Persian-American community, there is a vast gap between the parents experience of marriage and their young adult children who are looking to get married here. Young adults here have a better chance to be with and to get to know the potential future partners. In my practice, I see people individually or as couples talking about their relationship, how it started, and the issues and difficulties they are facing. I am struck by their answers when I ask if they knew certain things about their husband or wife or if they communicated their wishes and wants to each other. They would say something such as: “Well, I did not ask, I thought he/she knew, or I thought after we get married it would be ok.” So the importance of premarital time is that you learn as much as possible about each other.
There are three main ways to learn about each other. They are right there in front of you, but you may not be conscious of them as effective tools to get to know each other. They are observation, listening and hearing, and asking questions. Observation, listening, and hearing are important in that you are observing and hearing the person’s style of relating, not only to you, but also to his or her surroundings, including other people. You will see the person’s habits, mannerisms, and the nature of connection to his or her family members and others. The way people talk about other people, in fact, says a lot about them. Every one has a pattern of behaving in a certain life situation.
After the initial dating period when both individuals decide to continue to be together as a couple, while they continue to enjoy their time together, there are appropriate times they need to talk about their wants, wishes, future plans, habits, likes, and dislikes. They need to ask appropriate questions, too, to better help them to know the person whom they may marry. Some questions might be clarifying some interpretations you have from your observations. For example, when you see for the first time the person’s behavior toward you, a family member, a friend or a waiter is harsh, authoritative, out of line or just makes you uncomfortable, you need to look if that might be just an incident or if it is a pattern. You should ask what is going on with the person and assess the response. If you observe that type of behavior more than once in different situations, then it is a pattern. This tells you that this is the way this person is and the behavior may not change and most certainly may get worse after marriage.
By socializing you can learn much about a person. There are so many areas that couples needs to talk about and particularly ask questions. Among them are financial and sexual issues, their related values and interests, and the family of origin issues, as we in family therapy call it. This means the family each is coming from. The family of origin issue is particularly important to Persian-Americans newly married couples. These issues include, but are not limited to the nature of the relationship each couple has to their respected family of origin, the family culture, expectations, and obligations. The fact is that naturally there always will be differences between couples. In most cases, it is not the differences that are the problem, but the couple’s reaction to those differences that cause problems in the relationship. Many couples attempt to deal with their differences by trying to change and mold each other or themselves. They think when they act as though there are no differences; they are eliminating the sources of conflict. Not only does this strategy not work, but it produces further and deeper conflicts, both within themselves, and between them.
So, while you are enjoying your time together during the courtship period, think seriously about the future of the relationship if there is a marriage plan there. If you see problems, do not just wish them to go away because they do not. Here we need to remind ourselves that with all the considerations, a percentage of marriages may end up in separation. But knowing and being informed certainly decreases the risk. The fact is that people grow and change. That’s part of being human. However, some couples continuously work on their relationship, so while each grows to his or her better self, they stay connected and provide a safe and secure place for themselves and their children to grow.
Interpersonal problems need specific skills. Many of these skills and character strengths such as empathy, mindfulness, patience, communication, and problem solving skills can be learned during childhood as we grow up. Still as adults, we need to look at ourselves and the person who might be our future spouse and see if we possess these abilities. Theses abilities can be learned and by practice can positively affect our lives and our relationships.
Keep in mind that we all deserve to have a satisfactory loving relationship, but also it is our responsibility to make it happen. Good loving relationships do not just happen, they are created!
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