Children and Divorce

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 -- Painful experience --  To loving parents

People get married in hopes of a life-long loving relationship.  They carefully set out to make their wish come true.  And as they go on with their married lives they make an effort as best as they can to make it happen.  However as sociological studies show, an average of 50% of all marriages end with divorce.  This divorce phenomenon (resolution of marital relationship) happens in all Western and Eastern societies including the old country of our Persian-American community, Iran.  This phenomenon in recent decades has been rising in the United States in general and we have seen many cases of divorce in Persian-American couples, (no statistics are available at this time).   
For the last several months I have written about finding the lasting love we want and many careful steps we need to take before settling down in order to decrease the risk of serious relationship conflicts and as a result, the risk of divorce.  In this issue I will discuss the painful ending of marital relationship, separation and divorce.  At any given time there are married couples who are facing their relationship problems and struggling to save their marriages.  My heart is with them because I know how hard it can be.  When we discuss divorce, I would like to remind my readers what I said before, that “This does not mean that I am saying to a married person to get a divorce when there is a problem in your relationship.  On the contrary, you need to do what ever it takes, and all the help you can get to make it work.” Because there is a risk that you are throwing away a relationship that has potentially a good chance to be the love you want to keep.  Therefore you want to make sure that you take the chance to save the relationship and get back on the path of marital satisfaction.  However, there are marriages that will move over the threshold of having a chance to survive to the point of no return and no chance to save them.  On the other hand, there are relationship situations that are detrimental to the health of not only adults involved but to the very child or children that they believe they are protecting. 
So divorce will happen, and unfortunately, it happens more than we want to hear about.  As a therapist working with clients before, during, and after divorce, I have seen the negative effects of divorce on everyone involved.  I have also witnessed many instances that show divorce has rescued many adults and children from domestic violence.   I have seen that divorce/separation has provided an opportunity for life-transforming personal growth.  This had been true particularly for parents.  For many adults, divorce becomes a positively life changing experience and opportunity for growth. 
How about the children?
There is a great deal of information in the literature available on the effect of divorce on children.   In most part, the literature both popular and academic, accentuates the negative effects.
The American Academy of Pediatrics clinical reported on continued high incidence of parental separation and divorce in the United States “Helping Children and Families Deal with Divorce and Separation” (Tanner, 2002)  and describes the disturbances of child development, behavior, and health--short- and long-term--that accompany parental conflict and separation.  With approximately 40% of children experiencing the divorce of their parents before their 16th birthday, parental separation and divorce stands as one of the most common and significant risks to the healthy development of children today (Tanner, 2002).
However, some studies on children of divorce underscore the fact that there can be many positives as well.  Divorce and separation may be solutions to a discordant marriage, and may decrease intra-family hostility and bring a safer environment for children.
The review of literature on children of divorced parents and my own clinical experience points out that the most important factor in the well being of children who go through their parent’s divorce is the type of relationship parents establish before, during and after divorce with their children.  When the child experiences a loving, secure and supportive relationship with both patents and a cooperative parenting after divorce, the negative effect of the divorce is reduced tremendously.  It is the parents’ conflicting and hostile relationship, and the use of the children as pawns in the battle of divorce that hurts children most.
Wallerstein (2000), one of the researchers on divorce, states that divorce is not a single trauma. It merely marks a point in time of a situation that began earlier and will continue throughout the life of the child. For many children and their parents, tension continues and the entire divorce process is a long painful experience.
The short and long-term effect of divorce on parents and children depends on many factors which we will discuss further in the next issue of PAYAM.
Until next issue wish you a loving and caring relationship with your children. 

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